What If Fairy Tales Were True?

Here’s a thought… what if fairy tales were true?  Most people will take the spin on that and say, “Oh yeah, it’d be great if every Cinderella out there met her Prince Charming.”  Or, “if every wicked witch didn’t exist,” and so on.  I’ll call bullshit on that any day.  They are fairy tales because they are fairy tales.  Follow along here and let’s take a “real-world” spin on what a few fairy tales would be like if they were true…

Cinderella may have been stuck in a house with her two evil step-sisters and wicked step-mother, but how’d she end up there in the first place?  Chances are she was living with her biological mother, who eventually kicked her out of the house due to her cocaine problem.  After selling off her possessions and sacrificing meals to feed her drug habit, she dropped thirty pounds and let her clothes run ragged.  When she hit rock-bottom, she made her way to her dad’s place, begging for a place to stay and a chance to get her life back together.  This would explain so much.   When the “fairy tale” begins, you never hear about Cinderella’s father, who is probably working 60 hours a week trying to support the four mouths he has to feed (not including his own), while putting up with his dead-end job which forces him to travel and therefore has little opportunity to spend with his family.  Meanwhile, a born-again Cinderella is facing the terrors of weening herself off her fix.  The classic “fairy tale” we all know and love is told from her perspective, which of course is biased towards the evil sisters and mother.  Granted, if you were getting off the habit, you’d feel like everyone was on your case and pretty freakin’ pissy too.  Since Cinderella can’t be trusted, she’s not allowed out of the house on her own until her family knows she’s clean, which makes her feel trapped.  Luckily, she’s stashed a little coke away, and after a little of the nose candy she’s finding herself dreaming of talking mice and giant pumpkins.  She ends up sneaking out of the house, wandering to the ball, meeting Prince Charming (who finds her attractive thank’s to her new-found weight-loss courtesy of her drug habit past), and hits on her (no surprise…thinking with his lower half).  Around midnight, while coming down from the high, she realizes her talking friends and magic pumpkin “carriage” isn’t real, it occurs to her that now would be a fine time to capitalize on her love interest’s affection, transforming her from crack-addict to gold-digger.  Way to go C-rella.  Way to go.

Three Little Pigs
Simple metaphor for the three-class system we see in today’s economy.  Big bad wolf is the government and surprise surprise, straw is government housing.

America’s Past Time (and my personal favorite “fairy tale”…)
Kid grows up with a father who plays professional baseball.  Being around the sport constantly, he falls in love with the idea of being one of the greats, and some day playing with his dad.  He works hard and becomes a better and better play.  Eventually he gets his chance and makes it to the big leagues.  He plays well, better than his own expectations.  He is loved and respected by the fans.  Then one day, he realizes that he’s getting older.  He’s lost the power he once had.  His speed isn’t what it used to be.  He knows it’s only a matter of time before he has to give up the game and retire.  Then suddenly, he gets his swing, his power, and his speed back.  He becomes one of the most powerful, feared hitters in the game.  He breaks records that are thought to never be broken.  The fans rejoice and his actions are celebrated.  He goes down in history as a legend, a master of his craft….


Proof that fairy tales aren’t real.



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